It’s been awhile since we have talked. I know it seems I only really reach out when things seem to be going badly in my life. I am writing to let you know that I am no longer angry at you for leaving me so early. You know, before we had a chance to do all those awesome adult things together. I was angry at you for leaving me before my wedding? You left me before you could see my babies. You were suppose to be a big part of my life, but you left. I was still so young myself that I was too selfish to realize how tired you were, that you had to go. Cancer had robbed you of those last lucid days, but I know you know I was there. I am so glad you were able to be free from all of that pain.
My heart ached for so long, I just wanted to hear your voice one last time on the phone. This was my first true experience with losing someone I loved this much. There were no books to help me, and dare I say Google wasn’t yet an option to assist me either. I swam aimlessly in a sea of every single emotion slamming me against the shore for days. Hate, anger, fear, sadness, denial and on and on. Just as quickly as they exploded inside me, they disappeared and I was numb. That was almost more confusing for me. I sat through your funeral stone faced, not a tear hit my cheek. It was almost as if I had hit my limit for expressing anything whatsoever. I am unsure how long I walked around in that cloud for. I just knew I missed you, I longed for your smell and to hear your laughter.
You were always proud of me as a child, but I know you are just as proud of the adult I have turned into to. Remember when you tried teaching me to bake all those times? You use to say I was like a bull in a china shop. If you were here today you would be begging me to bring you some cupcakes. I would bring you an assortment to try, but you would favour the lemon or chocolate, nothing too fancy. Every single time I smell fresh clean sheets I think of you and smile so big. I have the gold initial pin that you gave me and will hand it down to my daughter one day. I tell stories about you all the time to my children, they would have loved you as much as I did.
More than twenty plus seasons have come and gone since you left me too early. I have watched the trees lay coloured leaves on your grave followed by crisp clean white snow. Each and every time I talk about you now I am laughing and smiling. I know this is proof that grief may never leave you, but you sure can be happy and share all the wonderful memories too.
Thank you Grandma for helping me get there. xoxo
Struggling through grief is one of the most difficult things we face in life. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help.