Grief Among The Clouds

blogI love bubble baths. The hotter the better. When the world becomes loud and chaotic, it is the place I surrender to for quiet. I have done some of my best thinking immersed in those fluffy clouds of foam. I can also admit to spending many hours allowing tears to flow down my face becoming one with the bath water. It is my norm to have the bathtub surrounded with body scrubs scented with hints of eucalyptus or lavender for stress relief. It was here, in my zen place that I found myself yet again hearing my sister’s unforgettable giggle. We recently lost her in an automobile accident.

Have you ever submerged your body into the relaxing waters, quickly followed by your head? You feel your ears fall below the surface just keeping your face above enough to breathe. In an instant, everything falls quiet. The entire world goes silent. All I can hear is the beating of my own heart, and her unforgettable giggle. An instant smile plasters across my face and tears fall from my eyes. When I say I can begin to hear her voice, it is more like memories or past conversations. A movie real of our life together but only the most recent events. All the funny moments and all the hysterical laughter. I am almost afraid to lift my head from the water for fear I won’t hear her again.

I recently was on vacation and it was the first time flying since doing so with my sister. I did not anticipate this being a problem until the flight home. I seated myself by the window and anxiously watched the take off. Gracefully we moved away from this world and closer to the clouds, until we broke straight through them. It almost took my breath away on the other side. The sky was a colour of blue I had never seen before, almost indigo. The clouds, now underneath me were pristine and untouched. Once again, in that moment, everything went silent and I could hear my sister’s giggle. It was as if I was even closer to her being that high. I do not claim to know all the answers regarding what, where, or if there is a heaven. All I do know is in that moment I felt closer to her. As I mentioned, my last flight involved my sister. She was a royal pain because she was a smoker and obviously could not smoke during the flight. To pass her time she, being the younger sister (even though were are in our fourties 🙂 ) expected me to entertain her. As I gazed out at those clouds recently, I could hear her giggles and hysterical laughter all over again.

It has only been four months since we lost her. People tell you it gets easier. What they forget to tell you is that it gets harder, a lot harder before it gets even a little manageable. It never gets easy. It just gets different. It becomes a part of who we are.

Many people, myself included become afraid that they will forget their loved ones. The sound of their laughter, how they smelled, what their hugs felt like. We are blessed with those gifts while they are here with us. I am able to hear my sisters laughter because it was truly unforgettable. I am able to hear it in those moments when I quiet the world. I forgot to take time to grieve. I was busy being strong for everyone. I was busy still making sure life was going on. As I tell everyone, you cannot hide from grief because it will always find you. She found me on that airplane, high in the sky. Take the time you need and find your quiet. It will feel scary and lonely and that is okay. Talk to those you can confide in for support. You won’t forget them, they are a part of you and they live in your heart and memories forever.

Much Love ❤

 

 

 

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