It is the middle of the afternoon on December 30th 2020. I am actually enjoying a relatively quiet household. My husband has made a trip down to his business to check on things and my teen spawn is hunkered down in his room. We are now in our second lockdown since the Covid pandemic started a bazillion years ago.

Each year around this time, social media lights up with the New Year’s posts. This year, we have already started with all of the, “this year cannot end soon enough,” type jargon. It will be difficult to attempt to pull out any positives from the year 2020.

What are some of my positives? So glad you asked.

Well, as a family we did manage to survive the toilet paper Armageddon. I got anxious once. To know me is to understand I always have many rolls stockpiled. I believe it was around May when I felt the twinge of panic as we dwindled down to our last four rolls. My daughter saved us, as she found an extra package hidden away on the shelves of a grocery store in the sleepy little town where she resides. This is a positive.

Nobody in our immediate family became infected with this virus and died. Let me make one thing clear. As a family, we take all of this very seriously. We have close family who live in long-term homes. We have dear friends and family who work on the front lines each day. We work around the vulnerable and had to watch as they fell apart. There were close calls. Friends who tested positive. We held our breath. Yet with one day left in this year, we have all made it out the other side, and for that, I will forever be thankful. This is a positive.

With this being our second lockdown, I can say with conviction…..I cannot cut hair. I promise my teen spawn and husband to put the scissors and clippers down. Even if they have to return to our barber in pigtails, I will never again attempt haircuts. I bow down to all who have proper training in this field. You are all super human.

We received news of family member with cancer this year. We struggled during zoom calls watching the deterioration. Phone calls as he was sent back and forth to hospital. Multiple surgeries, treatments and uncertainty. Yet, just a few days before Christmas, we were able to hear his bright and cheery voice over the phone telling us he is cancer free. Our hearts exploded with love and relief. This is a positive.

As I sit here and really reflect, I cannot help but realize how much I have spent this year on me. This was not intentional. It actually has always made me uncomfortable having to go back in order to move forward. I am aware it is necessary; I just thought I was done. I was turned back to that direction unfortunately, so I have spent most of my 2020 re-evaluating what serves me and what DE serves me. (thanks bff <3)

As exhausting, traumatizing, difficult and angry parts of this have made me, I am so grateful. It needed to happen. We truly can stay stuck. We can remain blinded by what we have been told. We can remain in toxic places out of guilt. We can surround ourselves with people who are not good for us because society and generations before us say so.

Breaking the mold is lonely. You are constantly judged and questioned. I choose to be silent and not defend my choices, but instead just live the life I want. I refuse to waste even one more second on toxic. I refuse to waste one more second on negative. I DE serve happy. I DE serve joy. I DE serve love without condition. We all do.

I guess you could say that this is what I have taken most from this pandemic. The toxic and negative environment that can swirl around us can seem uncontrollable. Step back. Re-evaluate. Do you need to participate in it? Can you just continue to live the life you want despite it? Of course you can. Choose that. The rest will fall into place.

To all of those who have lost family, or are ill, I am sending all the love and support I can. I do hope we can support each other with hugs again soon.

Much love ❤