Happy 50th Birthday, You Beautiful Bitch!

What is the term the kids are using these days? THIS IS FIFTY! I am half way to my goal. Well, if I am being honest, my goal is to leave this earth at the age of 101. I still have so much to accomplish.

There is a lot packed into that picture of me. Sweat and giggles mostly. It takes us elders a bit more energy to pull off these fun activities. I mean I had to tame my crazy hair. Put up a few decorations and when you are short that requires two step ladders and a scaffolding system. Then get dressed. Can I ask why the clothing industry has not invented a way to do up a zipper if you are alone? My arthritic joints and bum shoulder would not cooperate at all. Christine, just throw a jean jacket over it and pretend it was intentional. My brain and I talk out loud often. I try to listen to the great advice it offers. By this point I have had two hot flashes and the sweat is now running down my back. I have laughed out loud at myself a half dozen times.

Tripod is set to go. Wait. Upon testing the field of view, all I can see is my torso from the waist down. I have now perched said tripod on my bed. If I hit the camera button it gives me a five second count down. Great, now I am doing wind sprints to make it back to the optimal photo back drop in time.

What in the actual fuck am I doing? I do understand there are remotes that do all of this. I am sure I own a few. I have no idea where they are. Click button, and run. Kick side of bed and swear multiple times. Begin again.

After what can only be described as a mix between a comedy skit and a zero budget remake of Cinderella, I am done. Sprawled on my cold bedroom floor, I am convinced this is where I will stay until morning. I am fifty, covered in sweat and zero energy to disrobe or clean up this mess.

All kidding aside, I had so much fun. Will there be people who think it is ridiculous to dress up in a party dress at fifty and conduct a photo shoot. Of course. Should I care? Fuck no.

Here comes the deep shit.

There is only one tiny part of me that is sad I am turning fifty. That is the woman who loved her forties. I do not look at it like I am closer to dying. I have lost many younger than fifty. Instead I find myself excited about the future. We spend so much time and energy focused on being perfect. Pleasing all those around us but leaving little for ourselves.

I have been so guilty of that. Running on empty making sure everyone is taken care of. It came second nature and I love taking care of others. The only problem is, I was never taught how important it is to take care of me first.

I just wanted to leave you with fifty amazing and funny things I have learned in my fifty years.

  1. Wombat shit is square. They poop out one hundred square turds a day.
  2. Good bedsheets are worth the extra money.
  3. It is never a shame when you admit you don’t know something, but often a shame when you assume you do.
  4. Anyone who judges you by material things you own, isn’t someone worth impressing.
  5. Always clean your own bowl graffiti.
  6. A lint roller is amazing at cleaning lamp shades.
  7. Grudges are poison, let that shit go.
  8. Be a lifetime learner. In order to grow, you will always have to learn, unlearn and relearn things.
  9. A real friend won’t be afraid to tell you to pluck that chin hair.
  10. Always trust your gut.
  11. Drinking water actually is good for you.
  12. Toilet paper, buy the good stuff, your ass deserves it.
  13. Finding a great hairdresser will elevate your life. I know it changed mine.
  14. Never say never. I mean this one. Never is a very long time.
  15. Let your children become their own humans.
  16. The red jelly beans are the best.
  17. Get your child a bank account. Financial responsibility needs to be taught.
  18. People die. It will knock the wind out of you. It feels like you may never catch your breath again. You will when you are damn good and ready.
  19. Wrinkles are a part of aging. There are ways to delay them for a bit, but they are inevitable.
  20. You can spend thousands on diet programs or travel the world. Only one of those options will fill your soul.
  21. As you age, you will fart more. Fart while you walk, talk, sneeze and sleep. Own it.
  22. Healthy boundaries will save your sanity and life.
  23. I am not too old for leather, animal print, or long hair. Age does not determine style.
  24. I have learned empathy, resilience, tenacity and love from my children.
  25. I have learned how to trust and love again from my husband.
  26. I owe my therapist much more than the money I have paid.
  27. You are never too old to blow bubbles, jump rope, use a hula hoop, or make snow angels. Age does not determine joy.
  28. Give great hugs.
  29. I have lived on $20 a week. I am thankful for those times. I have learned to be resourceful when needed. Never forget valuable life lessons.
  30. Dream big.
  31. Losing a sibling feels like losing a part of you. It always feels like it is missing.
  32. All beer tastes like donkey piss and you will never change my mind.
  33. Take advantage of your mistakes. What did you learn from them?
  34. It is okay to cry. Men, women, children….all of us need to learn this one. Let it all out without feeling weak, vulnerable or unhinged.
  35. Comparison is the thief of joy. We use this saying a lot in our home. You are uniquely you. Remember that.
  36. There is a good chance your eyesight is going to shit the bed after 40. Celebrate with some cute glasses.
  37. No response is a response. Learn what deserves your energy.
  38. Your value is not defined by a number on a scale. Read it again.
  39. Apologize when you have hurt or wronged someone. Mean it.
  40. The best things in life are not things.
  41. Invest in a really great fitting bra, then buy five of them. It never fails, once you find one you love, they always stop making them.
  42. Women’s underwear are never made with the same quality as men’s. They have triple stitching and we have “hand wash with care.” Who has time for that?
  43. Teach your children how to cut their nails. It will prevent them from becoming nail biters.
  44. Feet are repulsive. The end.
  45. Play more music in your home. It is good for the soul.
  46. Find a partner who respects you. Loves you. Sees you. Laughs with you. Elevates you. Don’t settle until you do.
  47. Hot flashes. Why in blood hell does no medical professional warn us of these? If you have a great friend like I do, you will get a precursor into this world of molten lava. You have been warned. My soul needs ice.
  48. One day you will look down and see your mother’s hands looking back at you. My brain feels 25 most days, why do my hands look old? It is a mind *@ck, you’ve been warned.
  49. If you sneeze, hiccup, burp, laugh, roll over, sit up, walk, sip your tea, snore or breathe, you run the risk of pissing your pants. You pee alllll damn day and night.
  50. Between the chin hair, weak bladder and hot flashes, I’ve made aging sound great eh. I am blessed to be celebrating another year. I do not take a single day for granted. Thank you to all who enrich my life. Who love me fiercely. Here’s to fifty more. P.s. someone will have to help me take my birthday photo at 100.

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